This may come as a shock to you but I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know everything. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never lived this life before. I’ve never left a job before. I’ve never been an unemployed adult before. I’ve never been 29 years old before. Everyday when I wake up I’m living a day that I’ve never lived before. I really had to come to grips with this myself so could move forward. I’m not a bossy person but I do like a certain a level of control. I’m learning that you can’t be in faith and in control at the same time. One always out weighs the other. Faith is relinquishing that control and putting your confidence in God and being convinced that things you can’t see will be there when you need them (Hebrews 11:1). Faith is believing that He’s working all things for your good; the seen and the unseen (Romans 8:28).
It was easier to trust God when I had a few stacks in the bank, but that’s not the case anymore. It’s getting real now. I was bummed and slightly embarrassed when I had to leave the dentist office in the middle of my appointment because I no longer have dental insurance and I didn’t have the money to pay out-of-pocket. On my way home I reminded myself to shift my focus upward (Isaiah 26:3). I just taught a message on peace and days later I’m having to practice what I preached. I honestly didn’t need to go to the dentist. Getting my teeth cleaned every six months was just the lifestyle I was accustomed to. Then I remembered not going to the dentist for almost 5 years while I was in college and never having any issues; not even a single cavity. That was a blessing and a testament of the goodness of God. How often do we miss blessings because they don’t come in the package we were expecting? Even the Israelites in the wilderness were completely taken care of for 40 years (Deuteronomy 29:5). It may not have been what they wanted or expected but every need was met. While I was upset about not having the right dental insurance I was missing the blessing of not needing it.
Throughout this whole process I’ve been telling myself and other people that I’m trusting God. But I still found myself doubtful and unsure because I didn’t trust myself. I trust that God is leading me and ordering my steps but am I hearing his directions clearly? If I really trusted God I wouldn’t need to trust myself at all. All of my trust should be in Him, not 50/50, 100%. As my good friend would say, 200%. God is the best trust fall partner. He’s always ready. You can’t catch Him off guard. He doesn’t get distracted and He’s strong enough to catch you…and me. Proverbs says to trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways knowledge Him and He will establish your path. Often times my uncertainly keeps me paralyzed. If I’m not sure of what to do, I do nothing. In some instances its okay to not move but in order for God to direct or establish your path you have to give Him something to work with. Do what you know to do and the rest will come later. My version of trusting God was asking God for directions. But trusting God really means taking my hands off the wheel.
Okay so trust God, have faith, don’t doubt, etc. That sounds all well and good but how? If it were that easy I wouldn’t be writing this blog. Then I realized that Jesus was the answer! I know it sounds cliché but its true and just that simple. I don’t know everything…but He does and He’s the master teacher. He is the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). I don’t have to figure this all out on my own. If He willingly laid down His life so that I could live, how much more would he do to make sure I “get it right”?
The simple things are becoming more clear as of late. It’s the difference between knowing it and getting it. Knowing that 7×7=49 versus knowing how to multiply. I’m learning to multiply. I used the progressive tense of “learn” because the lesson isn’t over yet. And like learning a new skill, it’s not easy and takes practice. I’m still in the process so bear with me.
I still don’t know all the answers, I want to, but I don’t need to. My job is to keep pressing forward and let God do the navigating. Trust that He’s powerful enough and big enough to point me in the right direction. When I need to know the answers, they’ll be there.
Resigned at 29 